Demons in My Head

Many of my friends and family think I am always so strong and confident. Just the other day, I was telling my sister how I used to cringe at the mirror for years when I noticed the bulge in my tummy. I was telling her how I'd find myself hiding behind large purses, coats, hair, etc, not liking what I saw reflecting back at me. Then she went on to comment, "Really? I always thought you were so confident! Jo and I would always talk about how you probably look at the mirror every morning and say 'hey beautiful, you look good!" Funny, I don't remember thinking that every morning. I guess perception of someone can be drastically different from the reality of what's really going on.

But the truth is, I have many insecurities and I've had many more in the past. Enough insecurities which began my push towards weight loss and healthy eating, hoping that this will get the long worn out feelings of "guilt" and "feeling unattractive" to vanish.

And as I am making a mess through this so called life, I am learning to find that true happiness stems from no person nor the things of this world. True happiness sprouts from knowing I am special, and that there is a bigger purpose and reason, one that stems from goodness, kindness, joy, peace, patience, etc. But in the meanwhile, I still find challenges that get to my head. 

If there is one thing I've learned this past year, it's that I can't change the world, only Jesus can. But what I can change is myself and my behavior, my outlook on life. And by changing me, I hold a better chance of influencing my surroundings for the better. So relieved. =)